* I used to eat  a lot of natural  foods until I learned
that most people die of  natural  causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the  best way to  make
sure you are removing a weed and not a  valuable plant
is to  pull on it. If it comes out of the  ground
easily, it is a valuable  plant.

* The  easiest way to find something lost around the
house  is to  buy a replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody  gets  out alive
anyway.

* There  are  two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and
the  dead.

* Life is  sexually transmitted.

*  Health is merely the slowest possible rate  at which
one  can die.

* The only difference between a rut and  a  grave is the
depth.

* Some people are like  Slinkies. Not really  good for
anything, but you still  can't help but smile when you
see  one tumble down the  stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel  stupid  someday, lying
in hospitals dying of  nothing.

* Have you noticed  since everyone has a  camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing  UFOs like  they
used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I  start  breathing again

* All of us could take a lesson  from the weather.  It
pays no attention to  criticism.

* In the 60's, people took  acid to make the  world
weird. Now the world is weird and people  take  Prozac
to make it normal.

* How is it  one careless match can  start a forest
fire, but it takes a  whole box to start a  campfire?

* Who was the first  person to look at a cow and  say,
"I think I'll squeeze  these dangly things here, and
drink  whatever comes  out?"

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not  in  the
freezer?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,  why is  there
a song about him?

* If quizzes  are quizzical, what are  tests?

* If electricity comes  from electrons, does morality come  from morons?

* Do  illiterate people get the full effect  of  Alphabet
Soup?

* Did you ever notice that  when you blow in a  dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but  when you take him on a
car ride,  he sticks his head out  the window?

* Does pushing the elevator  button more  than once make
it arrive faster?

* Why doesn't  glue  stick to the inside of the  bottle?